Loss
March 19, 2006
Initially, I wanted to write something with pure depth and soul when I sat down to express my feelings, however, it’s exceptionally difficult to describe what I’m feeling right now without there being a hint of confusion mixed in with remorse.
A few hours ago I found out that my mother passed away from kidney failure, a woman who I wasn’t as close to as I would’ve liked to be. She was relatively young, only 45 years old and dwelled without resolve on various decisions she made in her past, to the point where in the end she chose to stop living.
Despite this, I feel a sense of emptiness because she was my mother, the woman who carried me in her womb for 9 months and for the first 7 years of my life did her best to look after my siblings and I.
Yet, it’s awkward right now, wondering why I never reached out to her more. Aside from issues that kept us from becoming close, I suppose there’s a part of me that wishes I could’ve looked past that, instead trying to find something to connect us again. I never did and in this lifetime won’t have the answer to that.
For now, all I can muster up the emotion to say is that there was a part of me that loved my Mother unconditionally. Looking past her flaws, she had good qualities about her that I’m proud of. Six years ago, when I was afforded the opportunity to sit down and have a painful, gritty and emotional discussion with her, I respected her for opening herself up to imperfection.
Mom, I hope you feel better whereever you are now. It’s hard for me to think I’ll never in this lifetime have the opportunity to talk to you again, but, I thank you for bringing me into this world. At one point in my life you were my hero and you could do no wrong and now I send my love to you in hopes that you are in a better place, far from any conflict, resting in peace, forever.
I love you.
41 comments
Erik, I am sorry for you loss my friend. My prayers are with you and your family.
by Shawn Grimes on March 19, 2006 at 3:13 pm. #
That’s terrible news Erik, if there’s anything that I or anybody in 9rules can do to help (in any way whatsoever) shoot me an email or call me man. My condolences.
Mike
by Mike on March 19, 2006 at 4:05 pm. #
Erik, My condolences. That’s awfull news. Very sorry to hear. If you need anything, you’ve got my details. Take it easy. Zach
by Zach on March 19, 2006 at 7:12 pm. #
You don’t know me but I can’t imagine how hard that must be, I wasn’t going to comment as this is a personal thing but then I figured I would let you know that my thoughts are with you man.
Alan
by Alan on March 19, 2006 at 7:15 pm. #
I am really sorry to hear that Erik. There is no way to explain how losing a parent feels, but I think what you shared above was really special. I hope the good memories bring you comfort. My thoughts will be with you.
by Greg on March 19, 2006 at 7:59 pm. #
I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. May you find comfort in this difficult time. You’re in my prayers.
by Ara Pehlivanian on March 19, 2006 at 9:15 pm. #
Erik: I’m so very sorry to hear of your loss. It’s at this point that I usually attempt to say something comforting, but it just comes across as trite. Please know that we are praying for you and your family during this tumultuous time.
by Nathan Smith on March 19, 2006 at 9:40 pm. #
As I already mentioned — very sorry to hear this news. We are thinking of you and your family and hope that you find the strength you need.
by Derek Featherstone on March 19, 2006 at 9:59 pm. #
Erik, my thoughts are with you and your family…my mom passed away from kidney failure also, before I had a chance to ever talk to her as an adult. I’m glad you had a chance to have that gritty and emotional discussion with her, and having met you I know that the good qualities you’ve seen in your mother also live on through you, and this might be something you can take to heart to lesson the pain in time. God bless, dude…
by Dave Seah on March 19, 2006 at 10:27 pm. #
Erik,
I’m also another unfamiliar name. One that has come to your site on and off over the past year. I feel this is a horrible time in which to make my first “post”. However, I appreciate your heartfelt words and introspection. In your loss you’ve helped me to once again make sure I have left nothing unsaid … Or to try and mend something that is broken, in hopes for a better tomorrow. For I know, in a very short time, I’ll be faced with a loss in my own family.
With much appreciation and hope,
Thomas
by Thomas M. on March 19, 2006 at 10:30 pm. #
condolence
by Crystal on March 20, 2006 at 3:04 am. #
Erik, our thoughts are with you.
by Peter Flaschner on March 20, 2006 at 7:20 am. #
Damn, hope you’re holding up all right buddy. I can only imagine what you’re going through. My condolences. If you need anything just shoot us an email.
by khaled on March 20, 2006 at 9:28 am. #
Erik,
I’m very sorry for your loss. To lose a parent is life shattering, to say the least.
All the best, and take care!
by Robert Nyman on March 20, 2006 at 9:37 am. #
Erik I’m so sorry. My prayers are with you and your family.
by Tyme on March 20, 2006 at 11:37 am. #
I happened to come across your blog from 9rules. Even though I don’t know you, I too have a mother…my condolences to you and your family.
by Alvin on March 20, 2006 at 12:49 pm. #
Erik, so sorry for your loss. You’ll be in our thoughts.
by Max on March 20, 2006 at 12:54 pm. #
We are very sorry for the unfortunate news. You and your family are in our thoughts.
Mike and Lindsay
by Mike on March 20, 2006 at 1:41 pm. #
I’m so sorry for the loss of your mother, and will add my prayers as well.
It was great to meet you at SXSW.
by Mike Montgomery on March 20, 2006 at 3:08 pm. #
Erik,
I am SO sorry for your loss. I know writing the above was probably very difficult for you. There really are no words one can often say when someone is going through a tragedy such as you are now.
I do know how you are feeling. I lost my mother when I was 15 to a heart attack (I am 25 now). Looking back, I wish I had known much more about her, and had a closer relationship with her. The last years of her life were spent in depression and alcoholism so I never got the chance to really get to spend good quality time with her.
I wish you and your family the best and hope you all can get through this hard time.
by Bryan on March 20, 2006 at 3:13 pm. #
Thank you everyone.
Whether you realize it or not, your words are extremely comforting to me during this time.
by kartooner on March 20, 2006 at 3:16 pm. #
Erik. Please accept my most sincere condolences. You and your family are most certainly in my thoughts and prayers.
by Carl Camera on March 20, 2006 at 7:08 pm. #
My condolences to you Erick. I can relate to how you’re feeling right now. For 5 years of my life, during my teens, I grew up mostly with my grandmother and when I found out that she suddenly passed away, I couldn’t cry. Not because I didn’t care but because I felt some sort of numbness inside of me.
by Jorgeq on March 20, 2006 at 9:21 pm. #
Erik, I’m really sorry to hear about your loss.
Your situation with your mother reminds me a lot of my situation with my father and I think it might be worth connecting with him again.
by Joshua Lane on March 21, 2006 at 12:45 pm. #
Erik, you’re in my prayers, too. God bless.
by Nathan Logan on March 21, 2006 at 9:45 pm. #
wow. I can’t imagine. Like others have said, if there’s anything at all we can do.…..
by Adam Michela on March 21, 2006 at 11:21 pm. #
Erik, my prayers are with you my friend.
by Donnie Jeter on March 22, 2006 at 3:35 am. #
I am so sorry for your loss. I am sure your mom’s at a much better place now. Me and my family are praying for her. Keep well, man. Both you and your family.
Respect.
by Indranil on March 22, 2006 at 3:00 pm. #
sorry to hear man. May she Rest In Peace.
by trench on March 23, 2006 at 7:01 am. #
Sorry to hear of your loss. My thoughts and prayers with you and your family.
by Stephan Segraves on March 23, 2006 at 5:24 pm. #
Erik,
I join with everyone else here and send you my condolences, and prayers. These are the difficult times that define us as people.
You and your family are in my families thoughts and prayers.
by Chris J. Davis on March 25, 2006 at 11:46 am. #
I am so indescribably sad to hear of your loss, Erik. You have my profound and deepest condolences.
by Simon Jessey on March 27, 2006 at 11:15 am. #
First time here and now this. So sorry to hear about your loss. My deepest condolences.
by Martijn Stegink on March 27, 2006 at 4:58 pm. #
Thank you again to everyone who sent their condolences, again, it means a lot to me.
I’ve since returned from my Mom’s visitation (quite a emotional, and yet harrowing experience all rolled into one) and will be getting back into the swing of things soon.
For now, I just need some time to reflect on the memories I have of my mother.
by kartooner on March 28, 2006 at 8:44 pm. #
Erik,
my deepest condolences go out to you during this difficult time. You have support here from your internet readers / friends. Use it if you need it.
Stay strong,
Chris
by Chris on March 29, 2006 at 5:21 pm. #
“dwelled without resolve on various decisions she made in her past, to the point where in the end she chose to stop living.”
Mom Never dwelled on anything about the decisions she made in her life. As far as giving you boys away was a decision made by two her and Bud. Mom was the best person I know. You and Matt ever got that chance to know our mother as well as I do and for you to write that would of hurt her alot like it does me. My whole life mom always told me never to dwell on the past to always look forward to what today brings and tomorrow. She was my best friend and the greatest mother you could ever ask for. She might of made bad decisions but she never dwelled on it. Mom didnt want to die she just wanted to take care of my dad and I. But her body couldn’t handle it so HER BODY gave in not her. All she wanted was to come home. Who I feel the most sorry for its matt and you because you guys never got to know the most wonderful person who ever stepped foot on this earth. I miss you so much and when she passed about of me went with her. My life will never be the same without my mommy in it. So please dont think she died because of the decisions she made because she got over you boys when you guys wanted nothing to do with her. She knew you loved her but she knew you didnt want anything to do with her. So if anything you are going to be the one dealing with all the decisions you made not getting to know my mom.
by Missy on March 31, 2006 at 2:34 pm. #
“I miss you so much and when she passed about of me went with her. My life will never be the same without my mommy in it.”
Sorry I meant to put I miss her so much and when she passed apart of me went with her
by Missy on March 31, 2006 at 2:38 pm. #
sorry to hear about your loss man. A mother is a mother regardless of the inbetween stuff. May she rest in peace. Best wishes to you and yours from me and mine.
peace.
by Jay Electronica on April 2, 2006 at 10:36 pm. #
Erik, Matt, and Missy, We will not make the same mistakes our parents made. We have learned their lessons. Buddy and Tammy loved each other enough to make three amazing, sweet, sensitive, talented children whom they love very much. Now you have each other again. Get to know each other, fill in the gaps about what you do not know about your parents, and remain close. Do not continue our family’s history of forgetting about what it means to be a family. I love you all and I am deeply sorry for your loss. Your cousin, Shelly
by Michelle on April 7, 2006 at 1:16 am. #
I’ve been off my newsreader since SXSW, so I’m sorry I didn’t see this sooner and respond. My condolences to you. I’m glad you got to have that conversation with your mom; it makes me think I should take those opportunities when they come up. Life can be short.
Peace to you.
by Eric Shepherd on April 12, 2006 at 8:25 am. #
Erik,
I was going though your website again thinking maybe you had writen something else about mom, but i notice you havent. I realize Mom and I haven’t really been apart of ur life and you only spent a short part of urs with her but i spent my life with her next to my side. I have to say I was very Lucky to have grown up with a mother and a father unlike you. The reason I got so mad was because all these years mom tried so hard to get to know you and Matt you guys really blew her off and I never could understand because it was at fault for both parents to split and not her. I always loved dad even tho he never called never sent bday gifts for a good part of my life hell he didn’t even know when my b day was or how old I was.…
But no matter what I always loved him ever tho he was not apart of my life. I know I always had a dad (Rich) and even now we are ask close as ever because all I have left to call dad is him unlike you I didnt really have a big family just grandma and pap Tipton, Mom and my Dad (Rich) They were my only family. All these years mom tried so hard to get to know u boys and all she got was nothing. It just didn’t hurt her but it also broke my heart because I knew I had brothers but I knew you werent really brothers just people that a shared blood with but didn’t know. Alot of the time i forgot that I had Matt and you.
But mom never did she always held on so tight to the life she once had with you and Matt. A lot of that feeling she had built up inside of her followed her for many many years and maybe thats why she drank who knows but I do know mom was never a bad person she was everything but that. Mom was my light though thick and thin she never gave up on me she was my best friend. A month and 2 weeks shes been gone and still I cry myself to sleep.
I’m a young girl with no mother and it kills me everyday. Knowing she wont be at my wedding or when I have my first baby is heart breaking because all she ever wanted was grandkids and she never got them. She would of made the perfect grandma and My dad (rich) will make the perfect papa. Mom is a Angel now and I know everyday she is looking down on me wishing she could be with me. I am our mom whenever I look at self I see her looking back at me. Please Erik don’t forget her she might not of been there with you your whole life in person but she has been there in your heart growing up and forever will she be. She was a great mother then and still now.. Sorry for the mean letter before I just miss her and I guess you can say it was the cherry on top of the milkshake (how I put it).. I love you always.….
Mel
by Missy on May 5, 2006 at 7:47 pm. #