Disclaimer: The following is 100% fabricated and was written by me purely for the amusement of a few friends, family and co-workers. Up until now, it has been hidden in the vintage kartooner.com (circa 2000) archives so I figured I’d unearth it and share it with whomever was interested.
For the past twelve years, a research team located in Pillsbury, Minnesota has been searching for the answer to ketchup without tomato-based ingredients. Dr. David Motaja mentioned the idea originally while visiting a local restaurant after realizing his dislike for tomatoes and craving for ketchup.
“It essentially started as an idea of possibly creating ketchup without the need for tomatoes. Ever since I was a child my dislike for the red vegetable fruit has increased exceptionally. People who love ketchup but are disgusted by tomatoes have no choice. I felt it was a task to be completed by the year 2000″.
Dr. Motaja contacted his colleague Dr. Charles Groper and the two discussed a few possibilities. As Groper explains, “David came to me with a brilliant idea. Usually the case being that we research someone elses failed hypothesis. Here we were able to test something new, needless to say I was ecstatic. Give or take a few weeks, the project eventually started in December 1988. Our initial task was to recruit a team of scientists from different backgrounds. Usually a process like this can take months so we decided to just pick people off the streets and toss them in a lab.”
The preceding months, Dr. Motaja and Groper went on a scavenger hunt. Dr. Motaja recalls, “We could have easily picked from the cream of the crop, but our intent was to work with the common man. Charles [Groper] took one side of Pillsbury and I had the other. The process, which by all means was eventually successful, was needless to say a disaster at first. We installed a cardboard sign out in front of local supermarkets with “Scientists Wanted” written boldly on the front. Customers started tossing change left and right. There was even one person who gave me a can of tomato soup, which, if you think about it was very tongue in cheek to the project.”
Dr. Groper recalls his early experience, “While David received a warm response, I had a lot of people kicking down my sign. Enough to the point where I replaced the sign three or four times, so I suppose I drew the short straw. Eventually, we both received several interested applicants.” After the course of recruitment, the scientists decided to choose the most qualified individuals through a process of elimination.
“We took all of the sticky notes and literally tossed them into my son’s baseball cap. Give or take 20 or so minutes we hired our team, which we called the The SciGuys. They are in no particular order;
- Christopher Jenkins
- Tobias Mitchell
- Cynthia Lemur
- Jos
hua Smith (not related to any other Smith, he’s his own Smith) - Jim Carey (no, not really. Just wanted to see if you were paying attention)
- Raymond Adrika
- Nathan Poljockey
The team lead by Motaja and Groper were to spend the next 12 years researching the link to the Anti-Tomato ketchup. Tobias Mitchell reflects, “It was and still is no easy task. At the time we all thought we could simply substitute tomato paste with soy, considering there is a great demand for the product amongst vegetarians and dieticians. That attempt failed the first hour because the test substance just didn’t taste like ketchup, but more like radioactive chicken.” Tobias remembers the brainstorming sessions for the facility by which this research project would take place. “Frankly, David [Motaja] and Charles [Groper] thought the best place would be the least obvious. Push come to shove, unanimously we decided the vacant water treatment plant would work best.”
“The plant was located 10 miles from Pillsbury in the town of CrockerVille, just past the vacant dairy and the abandoned mining town. CrockerVille was the perfect place considering it’s location and the fact our project would be secret. Not that we had anything to hide but frankly this is an idea that could spawn criticism and controversy.”
Groper explains, “The project needed a codename. Many secret projects in the past have used numerical codes such as Area 51 or Plan 9 from Outer Space. The Anti-Tomato ketchup project needed something distinctive yet oddly creative. That’s when Raymond Adrika asked why and thus our project was born; Project Y.”
You know in the Philippines, there is a banana ketchup. It tastes sweeter than tomato ketchup. I actually prefer it over tomato ketchup. Bananas are cheaper than tomatoes, and in a poor country, people need to improvise I guess. And no, its not color yellow, it’s red as well.
Do they add vinegar and other flavorings to make it taste less like a banana and more like a condiment (whatever that may be)?
Thanks for sharing, it’s something new I can add to my obscure country food trivia list.
Hi Kartooner. These comment img s look cool. They are springing up all over. Have you got started on the personal project ? There’s been a bit of a ding dong in the forums recently. Nice seeing you. Best Wishes. Root.
Suddenly, I am kind of ashamed to be from Minnesota…
Seth: Why’s that?
Heh… well, when I stop and think about what the world needs, non-tomato based ketchup isn’t high on the list, I guess.
I suppose if the story were true, I too would feel ashamed. :)
Oh geez… was that disclaimer always at the beginning? I skimmed the thing and the comments initially.
I am shamed. :(
Seth: I’m not sure if this is a compliment to my writing or your skimming. Regardless, looking through my server logs this referrel link came up:
bioex1.bha... Ketchup.EML
Does this mean this story has been passed along, via an Exchange server, at the University of Birmingham? I think so and wonder who passed this along via email.
Heh! Yeah, that’s great stuff. It sounds almost too obvious and trite to state, but the web fosters some crazy amazing connections out of seemingly nothing. For instance, I’m meeting a chap from the Netherlands on Thursday just because we happen to read some of the same blogs, are in the same line of work(or close enough), and he was going to be in town… and apparently remembered that I live in Minneapolis… wherever he read that from.
If only it were true it’s what the world needs in this time of terror. War on Tomatoes - Go Minnesota - MAKE THIS TRUE:
see tomatoesar... for more on
“The War on Tomatoes”