kartooner

Despite buy­ing two 12oz Pepsi’s to dou­ble my chances of win­ning the iTunes Give­way pro­mo­tion — sadly — I came back with noth­ing. I could have used the Tilt­ing Method, but I felt like all eyes were on me and refrained from being dragged out of the store by my toes.

Has any­one won this yet? It says on the front of the bot­tle “1 out of 3 bot­tles is a win­ner”. Read­ing this reminded me of the tele­vi­sion slo­gan for den­tists which then made me shud­der. I’ve got an appoint­ment with Dr. D this Fri­day to fill a cou­ple cav­i­ties and I can’t say I’m look­ing for­ward to it.

Sure, they seem nice. The front desk per­son­nel are always friendly, offer­ing their pen so that I fill out my next appoint­ments. The wait­ing room is com­fort­able, they always stock recent issues of Pop­u­lar Sci­ence and Oprah, or excuse me, O. At this point I flip through the pages grad­u­ally hop­ing I can slow time.

It’s the call that I dread, when the all smiles den­tal hygiene assis­tant clasps her clip­board and leads you into the white room. I will say they do have a poster taped to the ceil­ing for patients to look at while the Doc­tor jams her fin­gers into your gums and prods them with cold, metal­lic den­tal tools. She then gives me the final ver­dict, “You’re a mouth breather.” Unlike Airbag’s def­i­n­i­tion, she is refer­ring to the fact that like a good por­tion of the pop­u­la­tion I breath while sleep­ing with my mouth instead of my nose.

After­wards, the expe­ri­ence is finally over and at which point I casu­ally walk by the front desk per­son­nel and she kindly offers her pen to me.